I feel... awful.

I told Manny what I was feeling in a series of texts, and laid it all out on the line. He got home from work and... well, I thought he was angry with me at first. He wouldn't look me in the eye and kept avoiding speaking to me. When I asked him something his answers would be... tonelessly polite and short before he'd leave the room. I was scared.

And then I went to bed, shortly followed by him. He woke me up a bit when he got in, facing with his back to me, and I cautiously tried touching him to see if he'd respond. I thought he was gonna shrug me off for overreacting to something that, maybe, I'd blown out of proportion. I had been thinking all those ugly things, that he didn't care, that maybe he was being selfish, or maybe I'm unwantable.

Then he started crying, and apologizing, and saying how much he loved me and how sorry he was, and I felt relieved and guilty and the awful weight of worry lifted and everything was okay again. Things were okay.

But tonight... I'm wondering if maybe my low self-esteem and insecurity are going to ruin us. I can't even be okay with him being tired and falling asleep when I want to play and be sexy and just BE with him. I mean, he's human, he gets sleepy. But... I just, it hurt really really bad. I just want him to act like he did before, like how I still feel. I want to be near him and hug him and just... be with him. And... well, I can't help but to feel that he thinks other things are more important. A TV show. Something on the computer. A video game. And I just... keep getting lower and lower on that totem pole. I'm not fresh and new and entertaining anymore. Maybe he realized how boring and how much of a sad-sack I am and became disinterested. I wouldn't blame him. I'm really not that pretty or that much of a good girlfriend. I just whine for attention and cry when I don't get my way like a baby.

But maybe... maybe I'm just depressed and can't handle a relationship. Maybe I'm reading too much into this and forcing my insecure thoughts onto what he does. Maybe I can't handle this as well as I'd thought. Because sitting here night after night and crying all the time can't be normal. There's something wrong with me. I feel so hopless.