Okay. So, yeah, I'm dating Manny. He's wonderful, and I love him to bits and pieces. But he really can hurt my feelings and piss me off.
He likes to admire women. Celebrities, random chicks on the street, his chick friends. Now, I am not normally very jealous. In fact, I'm perfectly okay with the guy I date to casually flirt a little or comment on how pretty/sexy he thinks another lady is. But the way Manny does it... he'll say how much he wants to fuck someone or describe how he wants to masturbate to her. There was even one time when we were goofing around during a movie, and a pretty girl came on-screen, and he was saying how that helped him get off while I had my hands all over his junk. He said it 'jokingly', but fuck was that messed up. How disrespectful do you have to be to say that when I'm literally jerking him off because I felt like it'd be fun?
I have cried about this a couple of times when I felt especially emotional, and one time he caught me doing it and comforted me and apologized. The thing is, how can he have meant it if he does it again soon afterwards, and says that maybe I was just being too emotional? Yeah, okay, my self-esteem is shit. I really don't see my own appeal. It's not a 'girl trick to get people to like me', it's the simple truth. I just can't see it. Now, imagine me dating someone and having flickering hope that maybe someone does want me. Someone thinks I'm sexy. Someone wants to have all kinds of fun sex and stuff with me. Only to find out that he comments more on how much he wants to fuck someone else. I know I'm not as beautiful or sexy as them. But since when did I become a convenient fuck buddy when he got turned on by someone else? Maybe that's not actually true, but it's what I fucking feel like.
And then, before we started dating, I put an absolute ban on him smoking weed/marijuana. It's against what I believe in and I hate drugs of any kind. He agreed to it and said it wasn't that big a deal. Then, we go to his friend's and hang out, spend the night. We have a few drinks, I get tired and doze off. As soon as I've shut my eyes he gets up, goes to another room, and fucking lights one up with his friend. Then he lies about it later when I ask, and when I catch him in the lie and tell him I know, he starts saying like, 'Well I didn't actually lie because I said this and that'.
I couldn't fucking stay angry. I broke down and started to cry because yeah, I fucking love him and that lie was like a stab in the heart. He promised he wouldn't lie anymore. Things were hunky dory again, right? He got off scot-free because I forgave him. And then, the next day, he goes and smokes again. Oh, but he told me afterwards. Good thing he tells me the truth about him doing something I fucking hate.
I'm just... not in a good mood. This shit is making me angry and upset and I just feel like screaming or punching something while crying. I hate how emotional and insecure I am. I hate feeling unwanted or 'convenient', I hate being taken for granted and having my morals and wishes ignored.
Fucking hell.
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