I miss her.

I'm now living with my boyfriend, Manny. I've gotten away from my mother, and I haven't heard from her at all in the past few months... but freedom is extremely bittersweet. My sister, who I love dearly, has now been left behind. She really didn't have many friends, and she recently broke up with her boyfriend, so... now she's probably very lonely, and now is with my mom all on her own. I'm banking on her being the 'golden child', on my mom lavishing her with gifts and love like she does and making me the bad guy so my sister doesn't have to deal with her shit. I just... miss her so much it hurts. I really love her a lot, and maybe it's weird but I miss hugging her, I miss the way her hair smells, I miss how much we would laugh and cut up together.

She probably hates me now. I abandoned her. Truly, I did. I don't think things will ever be the same, even if I go back now, beg for forgiveness, and live under my mom again. I broke everything. I miss my grandparents, too. I think only now my grandma realizes how much I hated living there and how miserable I was. She didn't believe me before. My dad simply didn't care, and he'll probably be nasty to my mother about my leaving. He doesn't like her much either.

I miss Rachel's doodles and drawings. I miss the nerdy ideas we would cook up together. I miss fangirling over video games and eagerly watching G4 for news. I miss singing with her. I miss when she'd get scared at night and come to snuggle with me, only to never mention it again afterwards. I miss the crazy colored pants she would wear, and the converse collection she'd been putting together. I miss sitting there and watching really dumb anime with her that she would rave about and try to explain to me. I miss teasing her about her left-handedness. I miss having those crazy weird sister moments where we'd have the exact same thought at the same time, glance at each other, and know exactly what we were both thinking. I feel more like a mother to her than a big sister... and maybe that's why it feels like my heart's been ripped out for doing this to her. Nobody else matters; just her. 

But... I do love Manny a lot. He takes care of me and puts up with my emotional nights when I have them, and he understands my paranoia remnants from when I lived with my mother. I wish I could say I feel like I'm healing... but I don't. Maybe it's a slower process than I thought.