I feel... awful.

I told Manny what I was feeling in a series of texts, and laid it all out on the line. He got home from work and... well, I thought he was angry with me at first. He wouldn't look me in the eye and kept avoiding speaking to me. When I asked him something his answers would be... tonelessly polite and short before he'd leave the room. I was scared.

And then I went to bed, shortly followed by him. He woke me up a bit when he got in, facing with his back to me, and I cautiously tried touching him to see if he'd respond. I thought he was gonna shrug me off for overreacting to something that, maybe, I'd blown out of proportion. I had been thinking all those ugly things, that he didn't care, that maybe he was being selfish, or maybe I'm unwantable.

Then he started crying, and apologizing, and saying how much he loved me and how sorry he was, and I felt relieved and guilty and the awful weight of worry lifted and everything was okay again. Things were okay.

But tonight... I'm wondering if maybe my low self-esteem and insecurity are going to ruin us. I can't even be okay with him being tired and falling asleep when I want to play and be sexy and just BE with him. I mean, he's human, he gets sleepy. But... I just, it hurt really really bad. I just want him to act like he did before, like how I still feel. I want to be near him and hug him and just... be with him. And... well, I can't help but to feel that he thinks other things are more important. A TV show. Something on the computer. A video game. And I just... keep getting lower and lower on that totem pole. I'm not fresh and new and entertaining anymore. Maybe he realized how boring and how much of a sad-sack I am and became disinterested. I wouldn't blame him. I'm really not that pretty or that much of a good girlfriend. I just whine for attention and cry when I don't get my way like a baby.

But maybe... maybe I'm just depressed and can't handle a relationship. Maybe I'm reading too much into this and forcing my insecure thoughts onto what he does. Maybe I can't handle this as well as I'd thought. Because sitting here night after night and crying all the time can't be normal. There's something wrong with me. I feel so hopless.

Am I just being insecure, or...

Okay. So, yeah, I'm dating Manny. He's wonderful, and I love him to bits and pieces. But he really can hurt my feelings and piss me off.

He likes to admire women. Celebrities, random chicks on the street, his chick friends. Now, I am not normally very jealous. In fact, I'm perfectly okay with the guy I date to casually flirt a little or comment on how pretty/sexy he thinks another lady is. But the way Manny does it... he'll say how much he wants to fuck someone or describe how he wants to masturbate to her. There was even one time when we were goofing around during a movie, and a pretty girl came on-screen, and he was saying how that helped him get off while I had my hands all over his junk. He said it 'jokingly', but fuck was that messed up. How disrespectful do you have to be to say that when I'm literally jerking him off because I felt like it'd be fun?

I have cried about this a couple of times when I felt especially emotional, and one time he caught me doing it and comforted me and apologized. The thing is, how can he have meant it if he does it again soon afterwards, and says that maybe I was just being too emotional? Yeah, okay, my self-esteem is shit. I really don't see my own appeal. It's not a 'girl trick to get people to like me', it's the simple truth. I just can't see it. Now, imagine me dating someone and having flickering hope that maybe someone does want me. Someone thinks I'm sexy. Someone wants to have all kinds of fun sex and stuff with me. Only to find out that he comments more on how much he wants to fuck someone else. I know I'm not as beautiful or sexy as them. But since when did I become a convenient fuck buddy when he got turned on by someone else? Maybe that's not actually true, but it's what I fucking feel like.

And then, before we started dating, I put an absolute ban on him smoking weed/marijuana. It's against what I believe in and I hate drugs of any kind. He agreed to it and said it wasn't that big a deal. Then, we go to his friend's and hang out, spend the night. We have a few drinks, I get tired and doze off. As soon as I've shut my eyes he gets up, goes to another room, and fucking lights one up with his friend. Then he lies about it later when I ask, and when I catch him in the lie and tell him I know, he starts saying like, 'Well I didn't actually lie because I said this and that'.

I couldn't fucking stay angry. I broke down and started to cry because yeah, I fucking love him and that lie was like a stab in the heart. He promised he wouldn't lie anymore. Things were hunky dory again, right? He got off scot-free because I forgave him. And then, the next day, he goes and smokes again. Oh, but he told me afterwards. Good thing he tells me the truth about him doing something I fucking hate.

I'm just... not in a good mood. This shit is making me angry and upset and I just feel like screaming or punching something while crying. I hate how emotional and insecure I am. I hate feeling unwanted or 'convenient', I hate being taken for granted and having my morals and wishes ignored.

Fucking hell.

I miss her.

I'm now living with my boyfriend, Manny. I've gotten away from my mother, and I haven't heard from her at all in the past few months... but freedom is extremely bittersweet. My sister, who I love dearly, has now been left behind. She really didn't have many friends, and she recently broke up with her boyfriend, so... now she's probably very lonely, and now is with my mom all on her own. I'm banking on her being the 'golden child', on my mom lavishing her with gifts and love like she does and making me the bad guy so my sister doesn't have to deal with her shit. I just... miss her so much it hurts. I really love her a lot, and maybe it's weird but I miss hugging her, I miss the way her hair smells, I miss how much we would laugh and cut up together.

She probably hates me now. I abandoned her. Truly, I did. I don't think things will ever be the same, even if I go back now, beg for forgiveness, and live under my mom again. I broke everything. I miss my grandparents, too. I think only now my grandma realizes how much I hated living there and how miserable I was. She didn't believe me before. My dad simply didn't care, and he'll probably be nasty to my mother about my leaving. He doesn't like her much either.

I miss Rachel's doodles and drawings. I miss the nerdy ideas we would cook up together. I miss fangirling over video games and eagerly watching G4 for news. I miss singing with her. I miss when she'd get scared at night and come to snuggle with me, only to never mention it again afterwards. I miss the crazy colored pants she would wear, and the converse collection she'd been putting together. I miss sitting there and watching really dumb anime with her that she would rave about and try to explain to me. I miss teasing her about her left-handedness. I miss having those crazy weird sister moments where we'd have the exact same thought at the same time, glance at each other, and know exactly what we were both thinking. I feel more like a mother to her than a big sister... and maybe that's why it feels like my heart's been ripped out for doing this to her. Nobody else matters; just her. 

But... I do love Manny a lot. He takes care of me and puts up with my emotional nights when I have them, and he understands my paranoia remnants from when I lived with my mother. I wish I could say I feel like I'm healing... but I don't. Maybe it's a slower process than I thought.